To Parents and Other People Who Care About Teens
There is no end to articles about parenting teens. If one isn’t quite what you’re looking for, just keep searching. Toss out what doesn’t seem to fit, and keep what you think might help. Whatever the topic, my experience is that reading lots of articles from many points of view helps us put together our own “mental file folder” of ideas to consider.
I’m going to go through that process with you right here. I’ve chosen the article “5 Secrets for Communicating With Your Teenager,” by Debbie Pincus MS, LMHC. I found this at: EmpoweringParents.com
I’m won’t copy the entire article here, but I will share eight quotes, and give you a glimpse into the mental process I go through as I read articles like this. My responses will be in parenthesis and italics. (Like this.)
5 Secrets for Communicating With Your Teenager
By Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC
(I have no idea what MS or LMHC stand for, so I clicked the link on her name. Still no idea, but she has written lots of books and articles. Okay. I’ll see what she has to say.)
As a therapist and the mother of three teenagers myself . . .
(So, she doesn’t have any adult children. Not that that matters but, being a parent of a grown-up daughter, I know that the hard part doesn’t end when the kids turn 18 or 21 or 25 or 32 . . . That’s okay; not having adult children doesn’t mean she doesn’t have good advice. Still, she hasn’t crossed the finish line. No one ever does, I guess.)
Clamming up or exploding are both ways your teenagers attempt to manage their stress and defend themselves. In fact, these may be the only ways your teen knows how to communicate when things get intense–
(Good point. They are often dealing with brand new feelings, situation, hormones, school demands, etc. Of course they don’t know what they are doing.)
“Let’s sit down and think of a good way you can manage your time tonight.”
(This response is idealized. I can say, for sure, that the advice to “just love them” is really, truly, sincerely the best advice. But I also know being a parent can be really, truly, sincerely exasperating.)
Emotion is your enemy when you’re trying to get through to your teen.
(I would say “uncontrolled” emotion is the real problem. I think it’s fine to say we feel frustrated, or even angry, as long as we aren’t belittling our young people. Plus, love and compassion are emotions, too, and expressing an abundance of those emotions could only be a good thing. But I absolutely get the author’s point: don’t escalate the situation! They might not have the skill set to deal with their feelings, but we sure as heck better try to.)
Ask honest questions . . . not loaded questions.
(Yes. 100%. Especially when they are trying to express their feelings. My daughter struggled with anxiety. Our counselor told us to ask sincere and specific wh- questions that required her to use the logical side of her brain; he said this would help her get out of that panicked thinking. When she was describing a situation where something happened that had bothered her, she was getting more and more ramped up the more she talked about it. I tried what the counselor suggested. “What day was that, again?” I wanted to show that I was listening and that I wanted her to share more of the story, but I wanted her go have to tell me emotion-neutral facts. “How much money did you have with you?” “When did you…?” “Who else was there?” These questions made her stop to recall details. And – it – was – amazing! I saw her breathing calm down! I saw her body relax and release the tension she was holding! I could actually see the anxiety leaving her just because she felt listed to, cared about, and taken seriously. AND because she moved out of ‘flight or fight’ into ‘facts and figures.’ After all that, we were able to talk about solutions for avoiding situations like the one she had been in. But we could do it in a way she felt safe and loved.)
Don’t “need” your child’s good behavior . . . When you’re not trying to control him and you’re not reacting to him, he will have to wrestle with himself rather than with you.
(I pretty much agree with this entire section. Do not try to make your child responsible for your behavior.)
And don’t feel badly if you get pulled back into a fight occasionally—staying strong isn’t easy. The good news is that the more you refuse to engage, the easier it will get to stay calm.
(I like that the author acknowledges the reality that sometimes parents make mistakes too. The important thing is never to give up.)
Challenge:
- Look for an article about talking, then read it going through the same mental process. Even if you’ve read similar kinds of advice before, it’s good to remind yourself over and over what you are aiming for.
- Write the suggestions you want to remember in your journal.
- Now breathe. The fact that you’re reading this means you haven’t given up, and that’s the most important thing of all.
